Off-topic: Siri – Where Beta Meets Alpha

I consider myself something of an Apple evangelist. I truly believe that the world would be a better place if everyone worked on Macs. Workplaces would have less frustration. Wars would end. Dogs and cats would live together in harmony. I also believe that if Apple made car stereos, driving around would be more pleasant. And if Apple made TVs, filling my eyeholes with crap would be more simpler and more comfortable. Now, it’s with all that in mind that I can’t feel so good about Apple’s latest great-big wow, Siri. Here’s how a typical conversation between me and my digital assistant goes:

I press and hold the home button, wait for the two tones, and speak my request.
Siri: (doot doot)
Me: Play all my music, shuffled.
Siri: “…”
After a while, I press and hold the home button again, wait for the two tones, and repeat my request.
Siri: (doot doot)
Me: Play all my music, shuffled.
Siri: “… … … I’m sorry, Greggers. Something’s wrong. Please try again in a little while.”
Me: Play all my music, shuffled.
Siri: “Please try again in a little while.”
Me: Play… all… my… mus–
Siri: “Playing songs by Muse.”
Me: Play all my fucking music, shuffled.”
Siri: “I couldn’t find any ‘fucking’ in your music.”
Me: Play… all… my…
Siri: “Playing music by Miike Snow.”
Me: Siri, you beta bitch, play all my fucking music, shuffled.
Siri: “Now, now.”
Me: Fuck you. You suck so very much.
Siri: “There’s no need for foul language.”
Me: Play all my music… shuffled.
Siri: “Playing all songs, shuffled.”

I’d like to say that I made this up. But this is a (give or take a few words) transcript of a genuine recent conversation between my digital assistant and myself. If she weren’t virtual, she’d have been placed on the unemployment line a good six months ago. Considering I’ve had the phone for about six months and a week, that should give you some idea about my level of frustration and lack of patience with her.

My wife tells me I mumble, so sure, some of my difficulties could be my fault. But when I break out my slow, enunciating voiceover voice, Siri cuts me off and tries to respond to half a request. So I speak clearly and quickly, but she only misunderstands me more.

I give Apple some credit. Siri is an amazing attempt at the future Star Trek promised us. That said, it’s nowhere near as polished as Apple’s typical first release of a technology. That was evidenced by Apple’s labeling of Siri as “beta.” As it turns out, I’ve had better experiences with products in the alpha phase of testing.

As if my case needed another example, here’s one more that’s (loosely) based on an actual interaction that happened last Tuesday (skipping the two or three misunderstandings, you know, to save space):

Me: Remind me to take my pill at 2pm tomorrow.
Siri: “When would you like me to remind you?”
Me: Um… at 2pm tomorrow.
Siri: “OK, I’ll remind you.”

So at 2pm on Wednesday, my phone beeps and tells me to “Take your pill at 2pm tomorrow.” Hmmmm, wait. I thought I was supposed to take my pill today. I must be confused, but Siri says tomorrow. No problem. I guess I’m supposed to take my crazy pills on Thursday.

I should tell Siri to remind me to take my pill tomorrow.

(doot doot)

Hey, the video below features some big-boy language, so we’ll call it NSFWwH (Not Safe For Work without Headphones):

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LJhjnXH214[/youtube]

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